roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
