my mouth tastes like poor choices
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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