yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
