You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
