I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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