just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
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