You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
