I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
