Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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