you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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