i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
