Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Enjoy the penises
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
