bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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