My underwear smells like fireworks.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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