How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
