On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
