Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
