I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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