I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
