I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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