It's like God shit irony all over that family
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
