I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
