Soap is not a condiment
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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