I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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