how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He kissed a someone with a penis
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
