is your mom at the bar?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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