Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
