I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
