My underwear smells like fireworks.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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