i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
