but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
