i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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