i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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