just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
