Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i now understand why vodka
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
