hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
