The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
