please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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