I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
