sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
