I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
