well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
