i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
