I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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