i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
