Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My liver just broke up with me...
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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