It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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