My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
