Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
