we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
