shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
