i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
