A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
